


Hung Like a Horse

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [77]
Category: Norse Religion & Lore, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Torchwood
Genre: Bestiality, Crack, Drabble, F/M, Horses, Humor, M/M, Multi, Other, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-02
Updated: 2014-01-02
Packaged: 2018-01-07 04:23:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1115463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sleipnir was just really sick of everybody hitting on his dad.  And I don't mean Loki.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hung Like a Horse

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Furrina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Furrina/gifts).



> ...Who in no way knew that this was going to become one big Bestiality joke. But, lucky for everyone, it did. God, I love Bestiality jokes...

**Loki:**  Sleipnir’s dad is coming to visit for New Year's, and I want you all to be on your best--

 **Tony:**  Just to clarify, you mean the father of your son, the horse. Who is also a horse.

 **Loki:**  No, a stallion. And actually…

*flashback*

 **Loki:**  Goddamn flies. This tail thing is NOT enough to keep them off my--

 **Thor:**  You could stop pretending to be a horse.

 **Loki:**  Dude, I have to be one with the horse. How else will I understand the bliss of the wind in my mane?

 **Thor:**  Whatever. You do know you're a girl horse, right?

 **Captain Jack Harkness:**  *appearing* And what a fine looking girl horse you are!

 **Loki:**  What.

 **Captain Jack Harkness:**  I’ll be your stallion any day!

 **Loki:**  Oh for god’s sake.

 **Thor:**  I’m going to go now. But I’m telling everyone you had sex with a ‘stallion.’

 **Captain Jack Harkness:**  Well, I’m certainly hung like a--

 **Thor:**  Bye now!

*end flashback*

 **Natasha:**  Captain Jack Harkness? Why does that name sound so familiar?

 **Clint:** That was definitely the name of the guy in Budapest.  

 **Natasha:** Yeah! Oh man! He had a great--

 **Thor:**  This was before your time.  By a few centuries.

 **Loki:**  Well actually…

*flashback*

 **Captain Jack Harkness:**  …So basically I travel through time and space solving crimes, and I can’t die. And I try to have sex with as many life forms as possible along the way. You interested in joining?

 **Loki:**  *neighs*

 **Captain Jack Harkness:**  Yeah. You’ve got responsibilities here. I get that.

 **Loki:**  *whinnies*

 **Captain Jack Harkness:**  I had to at least ask. You are the sexiest lady horse I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.

*end flashback*

 **Loki:**  …So you could have met him at some point. He’s been pretty much everywhere.

 **Natasha:** Yeah. That definitely sounds like him. I wonder if he'd be up for a repeat….

 **Clint:** Can't hurt to ask….

 **Loki:** Yeah, that's definitely my baby daddy you're talking about. So maybe not at the New Year's party.

 **Steve:**  You know what?  The more I think about it, the more I think I may have met him too. There was this midnight raid, and...*gestures towards his crotch*...was he...?

 **Loki:**  Actually hung like a horse? Yes. Yes he was.

 **Steve:**  Yeah. I definitely met him.

 **Tony:**  Yeah? Want to tell us more about this Captain McDreamy you've apparently been seeing behind my back?  With his oversized--

 **Steve:**  Maybe you shouldn’t be throwing stones, huh? You gonna try to deny sexting with Bruce right now?

 **Tony:**  Banner or Wayne?

 **Steve:**  Does it matter?

 **Tony:**  Nah. I’m sexting both. Wayne is offering to set you up with his friend Clark if you’re interested.

 **Steve:**  Dude. If he’s gonna set me up with someone he knows, I totally want a date with Superman, not some reporter.

…

 **Steve:**  What?

 **Tony:**  They’re the same person. Literally, Clark just takes his glasses off. It’s the worst disguise ever.

 **Thor:**  Yes. I saw through it the first time met him. And you know how bad at seeing through disguises I am.

 **Loki:**  Too true.

 **Steve:**  Ohhhhhhhhh.

 **Tony:**  Though, actually, the glasses do hide his dreamy, dreamy…

 **Loki:**  Guys! Focus! We’re talking about--

 **Thor:**  Your stallion.

 **Tony:**  Yeah. So, question. Does it count as bestiality if you are the one who’s an animal?

 **Loki:**  Does it really matter?

 **Thor, Steve, Natasha, Clint, and Tony:**  Yes!

 **Loki:**  Look, we were both sentient, which is the important thing.

 **Steve:**  From what I remember, he usually thinks with his…equine appendage, not his brain.

 **Loki:**  True! But he’s also a good dad, so…

*flashback*

 **Captain Jack Harkness:**  So, you’re pregnant?

 **Loki:**  Yup. With, apparently, a six-legged horse.

 **Captain Jack Harkness:**  Cool! I’ve always wanted a baby six-legged horse! Wait. Does this mean you want to get married?

 **Loki:**  God no! I have a wife with a horrible temper, who is convinced I had accidental sex with an actual horse, and it’s gonna stay that way or she will kill me.

 **Captain Jack Harkness:**  Aw. I can come visit, though, right?

 **Loki:**  Of course!

 **Captain Jack Harkness:**  And we can have sex when I do?

 **Loki:**  Duh! Speaking of, what form would you like me to take this time?

 **Captain Jack Harkness:**  Stay like this for now. I’m not done running my fingers through your hair.

*end flashback*

 **Loki:**  So, this is one of the times he can make it for the holidays, and Sleipnir is super excited, so I don’t want any of you saying anything…

 **Tony:**  Question: are you going to be having sex with this guy the whole night?

 **Loki:**  Probably at least some of it. I’ve been wanting a baby giant serpent, so…

 **Captain Jack Harkness:**  *appearing* I’ve got a giant serpent, baby!

 **Loki:**  I was going to say that you shouldn’t make jokes about bestiality. But that’s a lost cause, isn’t it?

**Author's Note:**

> If you want updates as they happen, follow me on tumblr, where I am going by using-this-name (with dashes instead of underscores).
> 
> I would also LOVE any prompts that you would like to send me on tumblr. Any pairing, or any trope!


End file.
